ARE RELATIONSHIPS DOOMED
But of all the powerful things found in the book, there was one paragraph in his chapter on Enlightened Relationships that stood out above all for me. He said:
“Unless and until you access the consciousness frequency of presence, all relationships, and particularly intimate relationships, are deeply flawed and ultimately dysfunctional.“
Tolle goes on to write, “they (relationships) might seem perfect for a while, such as when you first are in love, but invariably, that apparent perfection gets disrupted as arguments, conflicts, dissatisfaction, and emotional and even physical violence occur with increasing frequency. It seems that most love relationships become love/hate relationships before long. Love can then turn into savage attack, feelings of hostility, or complete withdrawal of affection at the flick of a switch.”
WOW, “This is considered normal”!
Tolle says most couples go back and forth between these two polarities of love and hate, giving the individuals both pleasure and pain. Many times the couple becomes addicted to these cycles. Over time, the balance between these two polarities is lost and the negative, more destructive cycles occur with increasing frequency and intensity, until eventually, the relationship finally collapses!
Now here is the scary part! You might assume that if you could just eliminate the negative, destructive part of the cycles, the relationship should be able to blossom. Yet Tolle says that is not possible! They are mutually interdependent. In other words, even the positive falling in love part is a piece of the dysfunction because that is what leads to the jealousy, addiction, and other negativity. You can’t have one without the other. The otherwise positive experience of falling in love often turns to neediness, clinginess and eventually, total dysfunction!
Now the question becomes; Is there a way out of this endless loop of positive and negative aspects of relationships that could lead to something other than dysfunction or total collapse of the relationship? Tolle says yes. He says you must change the relationship from an addictive relationship to an enlightened one. You’ll have to read the chapter on relationships in the book to get the full essence of his answer, but basically, you have to remain in the present moment. When you are not present, your thoughts or mind-stream is usually dominated by the past. This is where we have a tendency to blow up or exaggerate past mistakes and misdeeds of our partner, or at the very least, we relive the past in our minds over and over, so that the pain of the original misdeed haunts us again and again. Tolle says ” As humans have become increasingly identified with their mind/thoughts, most relationships are not rooted in Being (Presence) and so turn into an unending sources of pain.
He goes on to say, “Millions are now living alone or as single parents, unable to establish an intimate relationship, or unwilling to repeat the insane drama of past relationships. Others go from one relationship to another, from one pleasure/pain cycle to another, in search of the elusive goal of fulfillment through the union with the opposite energy polarity. Still others compromise and continue to be together in a dysfunctional relationships in which negativity prevails, for the sake of the children or security, through force of habit, fear of being alone, or even through the unconscious addition to the excitement of emotional drama and pain”.
However, if you can simply stop and remain present at the time that you start to feel some of that negativity, or an urge to argue, be jealous or defensive, that Presence can create a gap in the mind-stream from which true love can emerge. Tolle says true love is a state of being, deep within each of us, not dependent on some other body, or some external form. It is realization of oneness and has no need for reciprocity. It allows you to look beyond form and separation and feel the oneness of all. So if you can use this Presence in your relationship to overcome the dysfunction, you may be able to find true love there.
This book is truly genius. Be sure to Read It!